Atlas (The One Who Endures)
Good evening beautiful person of this beautiful world! It's been quite some time since I've posted but we're already halfway through summer - the coming school year somewhere in the not so far distance. As I enter this month of August, I am constantly being reminded of the importance of persistence and patience.
Last week, I was able to go to confession before the 4 o'clock mass at Immaculate Conception Parish in Delta. I talked about my shortcomings, struggles and trials that I was encountering which had caused me to fall and ultimately, sin. All in all, they were all rooted from the same vine; my hesitancy to completely and fully trust the Lord.
I'd like to think that I am a very capable individual. I see myself as someone who is willing to talk to others, care for them and love them. I enjoy writing and seem to have some talent; sometimes to point where I forget to continually work and practice my craft. Same mindset with playing the guitar. Where somedays, I simply question the progression of myself as a musician, practicing the same scales, playing the same chords, and singing the same songs. These are all fairly superficial but it can be brought down to an even deeper level.
When I find myself disappointed or filled to the brim with doubts and fears, I resort to questioning my journey. The experiences that I believed, "should have" changed me but still left me committing the same mistakes, believing the same empty lies. Experiences not only in the CFC Youth community but more importantly, endeavours outside the confines of Saint Matthew's or RYC/TNC.
During my time at Holy Cross, I started off as a 74 percent student in English 9 and finished as a 90 percent student in English 12. Years that included milestone events such as writing my first short story (which was obviously a romance), performing my first slam poem in front of my classmates, and winning my first subject award in my 5 years as a high school student. However, when I think about entering UBC and pursuing a degree in English, it is as if a curtain has closed over my stage, the painting of an empty auditorium. The once resounding applause is diminished to a small whisper that is swallowed by the hallowed space. Leaving behind words of, "You will never be more than you already are," or "You have already reached your potential, there is nowhere else for you to grow."
I find it difficult to write in order to gain the approval of others and that's because I believe people deserve the truth. This blog is my transparent and crystal clear truth.
You will never be in my shoes and I write because I want to invite you to walk with me. To take a stroll through my garden of experiences; flowers of sweet victories and thorny roses of bitter defeats.
I am the gardener but these do not belong to me, they belong to God. They were given out of His mercy and entrusted to me through His faith.
There are times where I free fall into my pride, hide in my sadness, and cower in my doubt. Some nights in which I doubt my own abilities and character; disregarding my own self image because of the lie, "I am not enough." I live through occasional moments of fear and endure periods of drought.
Yet despite my desolation, He continues to remind me to remain persistent, and to live with patience. To trust not in my own plans but in His. Understanding that an answered prayer is an answered prayer, regardless of the outcome or the fallout.
I've struggled with hearing no's from God in regards to some of my dreams and longings but I am slowly but surely grasping the truth that He is leading me to something greater. Like a friend of mine once told me, He either responds with a yes, a no, or a not now; all in which are intended to be gifts for us. We have the choice to dwell and attempt to force something that is not meant to be; God will still love us regardless. But ask yourself, when has following your own pride ever led you to something worthwhile? A place where you didn't end up getting hurt or disappointed?
Our expectations are often illusions that are placed in order to feed this selfishness, pushing us to settle for something temporary rather than to construct and work towards something lasting.
We must learn to accept the denials and the disappointments in our lives. Acknowledging that once something is done, there is no going back; both to the moments of pure bliss and the seemingly lifetimes of crippling doubt. This river of life continues to flow forward whether we like it or not and we must allow ourselves to get carried by the current, to allow the things that miss us to float away. Because somewhere down the stream is something better. something worthwhile.
Remain persistent in your pursuit.
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me."
I am learning that I have the freedom to accept the events that happen and to work towards fulfilling His plans, which will convey His love and enable me to love others even more fully. My desires, my dreams and the yearnings of my heart do not belong to me but they belong to Him.
In the meantime, I will be watering the seeds in the garden of my life.
Providing the sunshine of my prayers and the rainstorms of my own struggles; so as to witness the blossoming of a pure and delicate creation that will last.
That of which has endured and grown in His time, a vulnerable yet graceful flower.
An answered prayer.
perseverare
AMDG
Last week, I was able to go to confession before the 4 o'clock mass at Immaculate Conception Parish in Delta. I talked about my shortcomings, struggles and trials that I was encountering which had caused me to fall and ultimately, sin. All in all, they were all rooted from the same vine; my hesitancy to completely and fully trust the Lord.
I'd like to think that I am a very capable individual. I see myself as someone who is willing to talk to others, care for them and love them. I enjoy writing and seem to have some talent; sometimes to point where I forget to continually work and practice my craft. Same mindset with playing the guitar. Where somedays, I simply question the progression of myself as a musician, practicing the same scales, playing the same chords, and singing the same songs. These are all fairly superficial but it can be brought down to an even deeper level.When I find myself disappointed or filled to the brim with doubts and fears, I resort to questioning my journey. The experiences that I believed, "should have" changed me but still left me committing the same mistakes, believing the same empty lies. Experiences not only in the CFC Youth community but more importantly, endeavours outside the confines of Saint Matthew's or RYC/TNC.
During my time at Holy Cross, I started off as a 74 percent student in English 9 and finished as a 90 percent student in English 12. Years that included milestone events such as writing my first short story (which was obviously a romance), performing my first slam poem in front of my classmates, and winning my first subject award in my 5 years as a high school student. However, when I think about entering UBC and pursuing a degree in English, it is as if a curtain has closed over my stage, the painting of an empty auditorium. The once resounding applause is diminished to a small whisper that is swallowed by the hallowed space. Leaving behind words of, "You will never be more than you already are," or "You have already reached your potential, there is nowhere else for you to grow."
I find it difficult to write in order to gain the approval of others and that's because I believe people deserve the truth. This blog is my transparent and crystal clear truth.
You will never be in my shoes and I write because I want to invite you to walk with me. To take a stroll through my garden of experiences; flowers of sweet victories and thorny roses of bitter defeats.
I am the gardener but these do not belong to me, they belong to God. They were given out of His mercy and entrusted to me through His faith.
There are times where I free fall into my pride, hide in my sadness, and cower in my doubt. Some nights in which I doubt my own abilities and character; disregarding my own self image because of the lie, "I am not enough." I live through occasional moments of fear and endure periods of drought.Yet despite my desolation, He continues to remind me to remain persistent, and to live with patience. To trust not in my own plans but in His. Understanding that an answered prayer is an answered prayer, regardless of the outcome or the fallout.
I've struggled with hearing no's from God in regards to some of my dreams and longings but I am slowly but surely grasping the truth that He is leading me to something greater. Like a friend of mine once told me, He either responds with a yes, a no, or a not now; all in which are intended to be gifts for us. We have the choice to dwell and attempt to force something that is not meant to be; God will still love us regardless. But ask yourself, when has following your own pride ever led you to something worthwhile? A place where you didn't end up getting hurt or disappointed?
Our expectations are often illusions that are placed in order to feed this selfishness, pushing us to settle for something temporary rather than to construct and work towards something lasting.
We must learn to accept the denials and the disappointments in our lives. Acknowledging that once something is done, there is no going back; both to the moments of pure bliss and the seemingly lifetimes of crippling doubt. This river of life continues to flow forward whether we like it or not and we must allow ourselves to get carried by the current, to allow the things that miss us to float away. Because somewhere down the stream is something better. something worthwhile.
Remain persistent in your pursuit.
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me."
I am learning that I have the freedom to accept the events that happen and to work towards fulfilling His plans, which will convey His love and enable me to love others even more fully. My desires, my dreams and the yearnings of my heart do not belong to me but they belong to Him.
In the meantime, I will be watering the seeds in the garden of my life.
Providing the sunshine of my prayers and the rainstorms of my own struggles; so as to witness the blossoming of a pure and delicate creation that will last.
That of which has endured and grown in His time, a vulnerable yet graceful flower.
An answered prayer.
perseverare
AMDG
Comments
Post a Comment