The Springtime Garden
One of the most difficult and painful truths that I have had to accept is that, "you deserve better." Three simple words that invite me to reflect on my own experiences and the relationships I had during those periods of my life. Just like this blog post, I'm still working on it and seeking to find the answer as to why I settle for much less than what I truly deserve.
On the contrary, why I cannot seem to make myself believe that I am worthy of the great plans that He has in store for me, and why I try to divert from that path even though I am led back regardless of where I choose to stray. This is a mystery to me and one that surfaces from time to time, particularly when I ponder on the past and wonder, "If things turned out differently, would my life be 'better' in anyway?"I guess I'll never know and it's probably for the best.
There would still be this pandemic that's for sure; social distancing, face masks, the uncertainty of what the future holds for the world. Yeah, it seems there's bigger problems to be solved before this one in my heart. One day, it'll know. Maybe not tonight, or this month, or maybe even this year, but it will figure itself out. He's already got it figured out anyway. All I have to do is get out of my own way, and let Him do his work.
When I tell myself that I deserve better, it's because I know that the things that fill up my life and take space within my heart have the power to come and go. They don't stay. Some remain, some change. Emotions are as fickle as Vancouver weather, one hour it's an incredibly sunny day, the next hour it's pouring buckets of rain onto the sidewalk.
Falling in and out of love is much of the same.
Some nights I cannot stop writing, I feel this surge of creativity and passion coursing through my veins that power my hand into producing a few thousand words into a story about Autumn. Other nights, I can't even bring myself to look at my notebook because I am fearful of the utter crap that I know am more than capable to create. It's a game of roulette with this hobby of mine that I really hope will turn into a career.
My words rely on my emotions and because I am human, what I feel can change from the moment I walk down the stairs to my room to the action of sitting at my desk and placing my left hand on my forehead out of frustration because every sentence looks like it came from the folders of Grade 9 English Rave.
But He knows me better than I could ever know myself and He loves me the same way. I know that this desire to write unceasingly didn't come from somewhere within my 3rd grade classroom or Mrs. Johnston's room in English 11 where I decided to pursue writing; it was placed by the same Person who molded and shaped me into the awkward, introverted dork that writes before you today.
I have more to offer than my words but in the midst of this quarantine, I hope they can provide a fair consolation until I can see your beautiful faces again. Dear reader, you don't just deserve better, you deserve Him. And I could go on and on about how great and gracious He is but you already probably know that deep within your soul; you just haven't paid a visit to that place in a long time. I dare you to go. No matter how silly or foolish it may seem at the moment, just say a word to Him. He's been waiting. I've known that for quite some time too but I haven't gotten around to it until just recently.
During my nightly rosary with my family, I can sometimes hear His voice telling me to stop thinking about online shopping and to focus on the prayer, to stop worrying about my shift tomorrow and to trust Him that He's got it all figured out and that my anxieties hold no power in His presence. Some nights I'll talk to him for a few minutes, and others just the few seconds I can spare before collapsing into my dreams. And although I've been waking up at noon, I can see Him in the sunlight that hits my white curtains. I know that He is at work and preparing something for me that goes beyond my wildest imaginations. But I have to do my part too. It starts by planting this small seed of belief, "you deserve better," and in time by nurturing it through sunshine and rain, it will blossom into, "you deserve Him."
AMDG
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| Rain by juhae haam |
(Check out his paintings, they're super cool and relaxing to look at!)
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