To Exist (An Update)

Good evening! I hope you are doing well and not sweaty. But if you are sweaty and gross, go take a shower! Trust me when I tell you that much like bowls of cereal, showers can be taken whenever throughout the course of a day and it will not diminish any of its watery goodness. Okay, weird description. I've been trying to pay attention more to my surroundings and especially within certain moments that present themselves in my not-so interesting life. 

Today for example, I was standing outside of the neighbourhood Fruiticana with 2 bikes behind my back, waiting for my dad who went into the store to buy some lemons for my mom who would be using them in preparation for our dinner. As I was simply gazing at the parking lot, I decided to conjure up a few sentences in my head to describe the scene that lay before my eyes. I think it went something like, "The serenity of an evening parking lot in a quiet town square against a backdrop of blue sky and broken clouds, white lines that confine vehicles of movement, people of story." And just as I was starting to immerse myself into this pool of cluttered ideas and questionable metaphors, my dad walked out of Fruiticana with a plastic bag of a dozen or lemons inside. And so we began our journey home, my calves seeming to weigh much heavier now than this morning when I woke up from a relatively quick sleep. 

When I go about my life, whether it be the routine of work, school, video games, youtube, occasional bike sessions with my siblings, I find that I am sucked into this monotone world of closed doors and fixed pathways. Daily life turns to black and white despite the greenery of summer and sweetness of June, a time that's usually filled with the vibrant colours of life suddenly become nothing more than shades of limbo. A broken MP3 with the same song stuck on loop. I saw this post on Facebook and it was the identical Spiderman meme but rather than the usual two, there were seven of them and each were labeled a day of the week; displaying in a humorous way the reality of life today. 

A global pandemic that was declared during the last few weeks of March, a completely forgettable month of April, murder hornets landing on North American shores during early May, increased racial tensions in the United States caused by the unjust killing of George Floyd on May 25 by a police officer, an act that triggered perhaps the greatest single human rights movement since the late 60's and early 70's when figures like Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X took the forefront. 

These last few weeks of protesting and demonstrations of unity have had an impact on the responsibility that I have as a human being; to speak for those whose voice cannot be heard, and to fight for those whose voice will not be heard whether they whisper their message or scream it at the top of their lungs. When this all began, I found it particularly difficult to cope with. 

For the last few years, I've seen names and stories of unarmed black people who were killed by the same institution that was formed to protect them. Eric Garner, Freddie Gray, Michael Brown, Philando Castile, Tamir Rice, Botham Jean, Antwon Rose Jr. Alton Sterling, Walter Scott, Jamar Clark, Laquan McDonald, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, David McAtee. During those same years, I would from time to time watch media presentations that depicted the terrible reality in which African-Americans lived in and continue to live in. Selma, Hidden Figures, Get Out, 42, Race, 12 Years A Slave, Detroit, Red Tails, When They See Us. All of which offer a lens for the experiences of black people who have been oppressed for the last 400 years. 4 centuries. I found it tough to sit through some of these films for the small and simple fact that what they have had to go through (and continue to go through) is unimaginable for any other person in the world. 

It's hard to comprehend all the suffering that they have endured and for what? So that a white male police officer can press his knee on the neck of a defenceless black man who's pinned on the pavement for 8 minutes and 46 seconds? So that plain-clothes police officers can conduct a random search and arrest at the wrong house that leads to a 26-year old EMT getting shot multiple times while in her pajamas? So that 3 white men can chase down an unarmed black man jogging through his neighbourhood and shoot him with a shotgun before spitting racial slurs in his face as his body bleeds out? 

All of this happened during the last 5 months. 

Since the beginning of widespread protests in America, multiple people have been killed in the crossfire. White-supremacists and radical conservatives storm swathes of protesters heavily-armed and dressed to intimidate; flexing their power at an attempt to quell this revolution. It is infuriating to me to see Donald Trump support the people who stormed the Capitol of Michigan with AR-15's and bullet vests to protest social-distancing rules. These people showed up armed to their teeth and completely overrun the government building and Trump has the audacity to call them, "very good people." 

While a few weeks later, in response to Minneapolis' protests for the death of George Floyd, he threateningly declared on Twitter, "when the looting starts, the shooting starts." It angers me to see such vileness and cruelty sitting in a seat of great power and influence; one that is capable of generating the change that a majority of society desperately yearns for and agrees that it is long overdue. 

I was scrolling through Instagram yesterday and I stumbled upon this clip of the comedian Michael Che from 2017 regarding racial tensions in America, and said on stage that, "we can't even agree on black lives matter. That's a controversial statement! Black lives matter. Not matters more than you, just matters." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Rp96A70veU) This was 3 years ago. Since then, thousands of black lives have been needlessly taken by their countrymen in their homeland, their neighbourhoods, their towns, their cities, their states, their country. 

All of these thoughts and feelings swirled inside of me during those first few days of protest and unrest. As should be expected, Twitter and Instagram blew up with awareness for the situation and it seemed that everyone was fighting for the same cause. Until I stumbled upon a few tweets and posts calling out those who were being silent on social media, those who hadn't shared any links, hadn't posted any pictures, hadn't written any extensive paragraph detailing their thoughts. This bothered me quite greatly. Perhaps it's because I was one of those few who were still trying to digest the news and figure out ways to help. It also hurt me to see it attacking those whom I called my friends, people of whom I know are not racist, not in support of prejudice, and also fully capable of thinking for their own. Because of this disturbance, I left social media for a few weeks. 

I tried my best to leave my phone in my desk drawer and simply lived in my thoughts. It was definitely harder than I thought it would be. For those first few days, I was glad to have much-needed space in my heart to feel all the things I felt, anger, pain, sorrow, regret. Was this really the best thing to do? Doubts like this would make their way into my daily life often. But it wasn't until a talk with my parents that I was reminded to accept the decisions I choose to make no matter how difficult they may be and to not be so hard on myself all the time. To stop feeding the negative and to start paying more attention to the positive things that come up often in my life. The blessing of younger sisters, the privilege of a home, a job, education, the ultimate gift of family. It was then that I realized love should be the core of everything I do, whether big or small. Gratitude should be the shirt that I wear to work everyday and hope should be the dream that pushes me to try my absolute best in everything that I do. Since those weeks of isolation and self-discovery, I can say that I've grown quite a bit even if there hasn't really been anyone who was able to witness it. Perhaps to them, I'm still the same old Rave; awkward and wordy as ever. But that's totally fine by me. 

Because I know in my heart and soul that I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this turbulent year, one that has broken me in many places but continues to mold me and chisel me as the winding days go on. Last week, I received a raise from Kumon. I walked out of that room with the biggest smile on my face and I almost started dancing in the hallway. I've been able to spend more time with my family, I often go on bike rides to the corner store (a convenience store) with my sisters every other day. Although my Atmospheric Science class requires much, much more work, I'm comforted by the fact that there's only a week left in this course which means only a week left until I complete all of my science credits! Yay! i'm kinda bummed that I won't be able to return to campus in the fall because of the pandemic but I think it works out because it means that I can work an extra day each week which will help me to save up for my planned Europe trip in a few years. I am incredibly excited. Also, just found out today that I'll be getting braces soon and for some odd reason, I can't wait! (Those words will definitely come back to haunt me) My collection of short stories is also coming into its own and I express my sincerest gratitude to all of the editors who said yes to editing my globs of sentences and metaphors. I love you guys. 

It's getting late now and I was going to write about impressionism and its influence on my writing but I'll save that for another time. If you made it this far, you are incredible and I truly appreciate your time and attention. I said this at the beginning but I really do hope that you're doing well. Writing this has been incredibly relieving for me and my slight anxiety of being judged is slowly but surely eroding away with every sentence that I write. I watched an interview of Unique Salonga yesterday and when presented with the word success, his response was, "kapag ginawa mo 'yung gusto mo, 'yun success." (if you're doing what you want to do, that's success) I've been meaning to provide a proper update for the longest time and what you just read was truly the best that I could do. I am going to write more, and I am going to tell you more of the stories and words that still lie dormant in my head. One that should probably get to sleep soon because tomorrow's going to be a wonderful day! (Writing it down will speak it into existence, trust me.) 

AMDG

Art by QU Lan