November

Dear friend,

    It is strangely intimate being awake at the same time as your neighbour. The light of their living room across from your own. Me, eating my sister's brownies in the dark. Looking over, I don't see anyone there. But, the light is on. So either someone forgot to turn it off or, they went to the washroom or something just as I take my glance. The house is quiet during this time of the night. Dimly lit, my room and the kitchen are the only places that suggest someone is still awake. That someone, is me. 

    I couldn't decide whether to read or write or sleep so I chose the first because I read earlier today before taking a nap just a few hours ago. My sleeping schedule is a mess. The sun sets so early now. I've felt the days become longer than they should, stretching out from the morning to the evening to the night. 

    I'm becoming even more forgetful. The list of tasks and things that I want to do has remained the same for the most part. Finish my French recording, watch my Film lecture, read for English, and get started on my revision for Writing. I haven't done much to complete those. 

    Still, I feel at peace because I know that I am capable. I just have to take everything by stride and not take unnecessary naps or sessions of just scrolling on my phone, refreshing my feed, waiting for someone to talk to me. It's really not that serious. So, I should be getting some rest now. The rest of the week will be much more productive than today and yesterday! I'm writing it into existence. 

    November is just such a long month. The rain seems heavier and comes more frequently than other times of the year, the wind gets even colder somehow, clouds are always in the sky, people are holed up at home with schoolwork, personal work, relationships, drugs, books, and everything that could take up someone's time. For me, it has been Murakami's Kafka on the Shore and Unique Salonga's song Jules. 

    I spend most of my time waiting for something cool or interesting to happen but they seldom do. And I'm honestly totally okay with that. Nothing's perfect but everything is imperfect. I guess I've just been trying to recognize the effort that each thing takes to brighten up the dullness of daily, secluded life. 

    Like my mom, who's been smiling more for some reason. I think she knows how difficult this season can be. She's been trying to keep my siblings and I afloat as we end off the year. We try our best to be there for her, too. 

    Since every good thing feels like the greatest thing, every bad thing also feels like the worst thing. A 75 on an assignment feels like a 65, and a 92 on an essay feels like a 102. It's a weird analogy so I hope you get what I'm trying to say. 

     I guess the standards for happiness are somehow both deflating and extending at the same time, like trying hard on an assignment and not caring whether or not you score a high mark. If it's better than expected, you're happy, if it's worse, you're not happy but also not surprised. So, the despair takes the blow. That's how it feels whenever something wonderful happens during November, the sun shines a little brighter and the colours around look more vivid. 

    Still, everyone seems anxious to get it over with so that we can start our Christmas festivities. Also known as the two week period where we don't have any upcoming tests, assignments, projects, discussions, to worry about. School is a blessing but sometimes, it can be a bit much. Just like anything that is taken in large doses. 

    I've considered my future and I'd like to travel once I get my degree, settle down for a year or two in a faraway European town as a waiter who writes on the side. When I return, I'll be everything I want to be now and more. That'll be in a few years, hopefully. For now, I'm just trying to make it to December, to Christmas. There's more in store for me as the weather gets even colder and sun sets at noon. Okay, maybe not that early. (But it feels like it!) 

    I hope you're doing well. And if the weather has you feeling the way that I do, distant and wandering, I hope you know that you're not alone. So rest easy tonight and tell me about your dreams in the morning. It'd be nice to hear from you soon. 

Love always,

Rave

Holly Warburton, 2018