St. Patrick's Day

Dear friend, 

        How have you been? It's taken me awhile to write to you but here I am. The last few weeks have been particularly hectic, especially with school. It seems like I have an essay or a story due every three days, so I'm trying my best to keep up. The weather's gotten colder and the sun sets before five now, it's kind of sad but also comforting. I like having reasons to keep my desk lamp on. Anyways, if you're wondering how I am, it's been a bit confusing. I really haven't had the time to sit, reflect, and write about how I feel during this time of the year but I am doing so now. 

        In the last twenty-four hours, I've learned how much I have to learn before I can drive properly and safely, that Canvas loves to turn your mark from an 82 to a 50 and cause a slight anxiety spike, and that I'm not the only drooler (and sleepwalker) I know! That last one is pretty funny, because I've been doing both since I was seven. 

       November is a weird time. It feels like the Thursday in a week, but stretched out for an entire month. The wind is strong but not harsh, the colours of red and orange leaves are still there but they're washed out, like they've been coloured in and erased. There are more and more barren trees on the sidewalks and frost forms on them pretty easily now. To be honest, I wouldn't know. I've only been out of the house twice in the last week. Yet, I'm content. The days seem slow but time is moving on fast, and I guess I'm caught somewhere in between. 

        Lately. I've been trying to figure out my minor for school: whether it'll be Film Studies or Creative Writing. I'm pretty interested in both but I haven't been giving my 100% to either, so it really is a confusing decision. Nonetheless, whatever I choose, I'll be where I need to be. That's also something that I've learned during the last month or so. That whatever I feel, is not a coincidence. That He is trying to get me to ask questions so that I don't forget who I am and why I do what I do. 

        During this time last year, I was waking up at seven in the morning to transit for two hours to a class that I had at ten in Vancouver. Which means, I probably slept fairly early the night before. Now though, I'm sleeping well past midnight and waking up well past seven and eight. Still, I'm content. Maybe this quarantine isn't such a bad thing after all. I do wish I could see my friends, especially new ones I've made recently but there is a time and place for everything. So, I'm super excited! 

      Until then, I'll be home and listening to John Mayer's St. Patrick's Day. It is the best Christmas song that's not a Christmas song. It's a love song of course, and the lyrics are about longing for companionship during what seems to be the loneliest time of the year but also the most beautiful. That's a strange thing to say. How can loneliness result in beauty? To me, I think it's just because we all want someone to care and be loved by. Our family, our friends, a significant other, we all desire to be cherished intimately. I do too, if you haven't guessed already. 

      I want someone who I can get to know better regardless of how many years I've already known them for. You can't know someone totally and fully, but you can try. And maybe the answers that I seek for, "Who am I?" and "What do I want to do?" will be uncovered when I connect with another human being. Maybe this is something that we all ask ourselves from time to time but push it away because it reveals a vulnerable part of ourselves. But in the process of getting to know someone better, you get to know yourself more too. How much are you willing to care for this person? To sacrifice? 

     Whether it's forty dollars to pitch in for a giant plush Snorlax birthday present or a long transit ride to another city so that you can drop off a gift, the answers are in the actions. I hope that you remember this whenever you feel alone or distant from everyone else around you. Take notice of their efforts and appreciate it for what it is, not once questioning what they do because to them, you will always be more than enough. And I believe that too. 

      So go wear a sweater and stay warm, drink some hot chocolate, play your favourite song, watch that movie that you've been meaning to watch, message that friend who you enjoy talking to, take some risks and life will come to you, even if you're at home, alone and bored, life will be there. Take it by the hand and don't let go. Life goes on and so will you. 

"And if our always is all that we gave  

 And we someday take that away  

 I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day"

  

Love always,

Rave

Juhae Haam, 2020