Shoulder

Dear friend, 

       There is nothing wrong with my shoulder, just to make that clear. However, I did fall down the stairs a few days ago during the early morning before I left my house, I think I might've bruised something. It isn't hurting though, just sore. 

      The weather's been beautiful recently. I tell you this because everyday before I sit down at my desk and begin my work, I lift the blinds of my window by pulling down on the backside of this thin, metal wire that controls the vertical movement of the white blinds, revealing my mom's garden and the neighbouring houses. For the last few days, I've been met with the sight of colourful flowers and buildings reflecting the autumn sun's warmth off their tan walls, then and there, I am hopeful for the day. Although I am not always productive in the morning, I look forward to waking up, and I believe that's a victory in and of itself. 

       I am terribly behind in school but for some odd reason, I don't feel any pressure. There's a lot of things going on right now and we've already reached October, I guess I'm just taking a small rest before I start up again. There are many assignments to do but in my heart, I know that I am more than capable of completing them; doing well on them however, is a totally different task but I'm not too worried. 

      One of my favourite musical artists, Tim Atlas, released a new song a few days ago titled Cold Shoulder, and it is super fun! It's the type of song that'd you play on a rainy late Monday afternoon when you've just gotten out of bed but feel totally okay with it, it's also the song you can play after a bad break-up or a failed test and not feel too sorry for yourself. The type of song that you could play with a group of friends or by yourself and still feel the same kind of contentment, one that eases burdens and brings a smile. 

       My two favourite lines from the tune are both in the chorus, when he sings, "all I needed was your shoulder," and when he asks, "was I just a means to an end?" Both of these just spark something within me that is hard to explain, perhaps it is from personal experience and being hurt by other people and wondering why. But coupled with the bouncing beat and the layered harmonies, it's difficult to feel resentment and listen with a scowl on my face, I'd rather much sway my shoulders along with the rhythm and try my best to mimic his head voice. "I wish you called just to say hi to me," is also another one that feels strangely intimate, after all, I'm sure that we all have someone who we wished would just call us out of nowhere and ask how we were doing. They're meaningful people nonetheless however, regardless of their spontaneity or lack thereof. 

     This is something that I thought of quite hard while riding the bus to my orthodontist appointment yesterday, are people obligated to care for us? Is it their responsibility to sustain our well-being? I pondered these questions for a few moments. I came to the conclusion of, no, they are not wholly responsible for how we feel and the people that we are. 

       At the end of it all, we are the ones who are in control of our lives and how we view the lives of those around us, it's a difficult truth. For example, when I begin to get close to someone and form an intimate connection with them, it's the best thing that anyone could ever ask for. But after a while, the doubts begin to creep in. The possibilities of the future and how fickle feelings can be, start to weigh heavy on the mind, indirectly affecting my own view of that person. 

       You'd think that there would have to be some kind of fatal flaw or dark past that would be the central reason for feeling this way about someone but those things are not necessary at all. Sometimes, all it takes are thoughts and even more thoughts. I've struggled with this many times in the past but recognizing it and writing about it now certainly helps in my journey of getting over this human habit. 

       Sometimes, I just to have to let life take its course, and not be so anxious when things have potential to be a disaster because that possibility is going to be present regardless of how I feel. I might as well enjoy the ride, and dance along to the songs that I feel like dancing along to, and writing all that I feel because what better way is there to express and unburden oneself than by laying down a foundation of words. 

       A house that is built upon each and every day, brick by brick. I think I'll be content wherever the next few weeks takes me, perhaps I won't even have a choice, and that's okay. Things are heavy enough, worrying won't do anything to ease that. 

       So no matter how many cold shoulders I receive or how many friends don't call me to just to say hi, I'll be living nonetheless. They know that I care for them, and think about them all the time. The sky is blue today and the flowers in my mom's garden are pink, white, and red.

     The trees are changing colours and leaves are falling onto the concrete pavement, I can hear the rustling and cracking as people make their way home. 

        I'll be going the same way, too. 

           Love always,

Rave

Holly Warburton, 2018