Doors

Dear friend, 

       On the tenth of October, it will be Mental Health Awareness Day. In most countries, the month of May is considered Mental Health Awareness month. Just last Wednesday, it was World Suicide Prevention Day. I found out through a message I read from one of my musical inspirations on his social media, he said that he took pride in all of those people who were still here, reading his words. 

        It's been a weird few weeks, transitioning from the season of summer to autumn, from spending all day at a friend's house to waking up early for a morning class where everyone is a stranger. The people around me have kept me sane though. In particular, my family. 

         Midway through June, I remember being so frustrated that I wasn't able to go out and do things that I would usually do around that time of the year; commute to someone's driveway to play basketball or dine at the Korean chicken restaurant that we always visit. It was difficult to get past my emotions but my family was there to understand and help in anyway that they could. Now, I'm glad to be at home in a room that my dad built out of the hollow bottom floor and grateful to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about me and all that I do. 

         Even if occasionally, I come home past midnight or leave around that time to meet with a friend at a parking lot in front of the coffee shop. I've seen plenty of days worthwhile and I am grateful. 

         But sometimes when that one bad day sneaks around the corner and punches you at the moment you least expect, it's difficult to get back up. I had this just last week, when I worked four days in a row and found myself laying down at night wondering what exactly I was doing. Truth be told, I was tired. 

        If it weren't for my friend and now coworker, who unknowingly helped me find some solace and hope during those shifts with her presence and questions, I would've been even more of a mess than I already was. But she was there, helping me. I ended that week off well after I finished a chapter of the memoir by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie. 

         Page one hundred four and one hundred five, "by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely." That section of the novel touched on the subject of detachment and specifically, detachment from our emotions.     

       I tend to worry over the smallest inconveniences. As of right now, those things include an English project that's due three weeks from now and a French discussion that's happening this coming Friday, I feel that I am more shy over call than I am in person. It's very strange. I also ordered a painting for my friend who's birthday is coming up, I really hope it arrives on time. These worries and anxieties drain myself of an energy that I could be using towards completing my assignments and returning to my novel; one that I still have not touched in quite awhile. I'm okay with that though because things worthwhile take time to arrive. 

       The problem is standing idly by expecting for that time to come rather than seizing the moment and making the most out of the twenty four hours we have in a day. 

        "Carpe Diem," as Mr. Keating once said. 

        I'm seizing today by writing you this letter and thinking of you and all that you worry about. Whether it's because of something or someone, know that you are not alone in how you feel. I share in your emotion. I too, look for reasons as to why my fears will overcome my dreams until they don't. I also shift my computer screen back and forth when I feel shy while talking to someone as if that will remove me from their sight. 

        I am trying to grow accustomed to proving myself wrong but I don't think that is a healthy way to go about things that are not in my control. Perhaps I'll just find the courage within me that I know is there and use it to live the way that I want to live, which is with purpose and intention. 

      This morning, I stumbled upon a song that I usually skip when I come across it on the playlist. But there was something different about waking up on the left side of the bed rather than the right, met by soft light coming from outside the window. 

       The song is called Doors by a Filipino indie band named Ben&Ben. It's very beautiful because the lyrics are about a person who knows someone who struggles to open up to others and the singer feels guilty for not being able to help in the way that they want to. All they want is to unlock that shut door which holds all that the person fears and holds dear to their heart but the key is nowhere to be found. I suppose it is a lock that can only be opened from the inside. The tune is both sobering and so very real because it sheds light on how fragile and fickle, people really are. 

        We all have walls that guard the chests of secrets we hide but to be human is to be vulnerable. It is to connect with someone through honest conversation, delicate thoughts and constant love. It is to stand in front of their door, knocking just once, in hopes that in time they will open themselves up to you and welcome you in. I've been so caught up with the doors of others that I have forgotten to tend to my own. 

       I'll find a chair nearby and sit down with a book, allowing the words to melt into a story and the voices to mend all of the spaces in between. There are so many stories waiting to be read by you. A gallery of doors including your own, with rusted handles and wooden frames. Keep your key on top of the table with a cup of coffee and a book by your favourite author, what you're hoping for is on its way. 

         I know it is. 

   Have a good week,

Rave

Ben&Ben, Doors, 2020