Battle Studies
Heyo. This one goes out for all those that live with a heavy burden on their shoulders or an immovable anchor attached to their ankles; you're not alone.
2019's been a pretty rough year.
From continuing my job at A&W when I literally had no motivation to and losing my passion to write; it's been a crazy 5 months. There's been a lot of days where I felt like the world had turned against me, pushed me away and cast me aside as if I were a grain of sand in a long, never-ending ocean beach. Nights where I felt the weight of my doubts and fears crashing over me like the 5 assignments I had to finish or 2 months it had been since I went to confession. Stretches where I literally felt like I had no direction.
My life was wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, repeat. A series of disappointments that made it incredibly difficult to just put on a straight face and act like nothing was wrong. All the nights I would spend late at night with friends or in Saint Matthew's on an early Monday morning, the feelings of inadequacy persisted which bore scars that I still carry today.
You may not see them but they are there.
If you get one thing from this blog post, (no matter how sad or depressing it may already be) it is that living is difficult. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, has never truly lived.
Life is especially difficult when you feel helpless to your situation; forever stuck in an endless loop of gradual disappointment, flashes of victory and eventual regret. Maybe it is a negative way to look at it but this is what I have experienced. There's nothing worse than wanting to do something but having absolutely no will or power to do it. Being stuck in the thoughts that should be spurring you to action but freezes you in place, unable to move.
I guess this is where most of the internal growth happens.
When I feel stuck in place or literally stagnant and unable to move, I take a deep breath and look at myself as if I were in the third person.
I see all of the flaws, imperfections and sins that are scattered throughout my body and my soul. The stains that can still be vaguely recognized if one looks hard enough.
But I also see the bruises, the scars and the broken bones that were results of battles with my pride, my lust, my greed, my envy. Battles that I won.
And that is why I am still here today. Because despite the wars and conquests I have fought against my inner failings and tribulations, I am still standing. I am not dead yet.
God-willing, I have a long way to go and many more battles to fight. But if life has taught me anything so far it is this; to live is for Christ and to die is gain.
" Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
AMDG
2019's been a pretty rough year.
From continuing my job at A&W when I literally had no motivation to and losing my passion to write; it's been a crazy 5 months. There's been a lot of days where I felt like the world had turned against me, pushed me away and cast me aside as if I were a grain of sand in a long, never-ending ocean beach. Nights where I felt the weight of my doubts and fears crashing over me like the 5 assignments I had to finish or 2 months it had been since I went to confession. Stretches where I literally felt like I had no direction.My life was wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, repeat. A series of disappointments that made it incredibly difficult to just put on a straight face and act like nothing was wrong. All the nights I would spend late at night with friends or in Saint Matthew's on an early Monday morning, the feelings of inadequacy persisted which bore scars that I still carry today.
You may not see them but they are there.
If you get one thing from this blog post, (no matter how sad or depressing it may already be) it is that living is difficult. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, has never truly lived.
Life is especially difficult when you feel helpless to your situation; forever stuck in an endless loop of gradual disappointment, flashes of victory and eventual regret. Maybe it is a negative way to look at it but this is what I have experienced. There's nothing worse than wanting to do something but having absolutely no will or power to do it. Being stuck in the thoughts that should be spurring you to action but freezes you in place, unable to move.
I guess this is where most of the internal growth happens.
When I feel stuck in place or literally stagnant and unable to move, I take a deep breath and look at myself as if I were in the third person.
I see all of the flaws, imperfections and sins that are scattered throughout my body and my soul. The stains that can still be vaguely recognized if one looks hard enough.
But I also see the bruises, the scars and the broken bones that were results of battles with my pride, my lust, my greed, my envy. Battles that I won.
And that is why I am still here today. Because despite the wars and conquests I have fought against my inner failings and tribulations, I am still standing. I am not dead yet.
God-willing, I have a long way to go and many more battles to fight. But if life has taught me anything so far it is this; to live is for Christ and to die is gain.
" Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
AMDG
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