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Good morning! (or whatever time of the day you are reading this from) It's been a while since I've found myself writing on my blog and this is partially because of how lazy I've been the past few months and how I've honestly tried avoiding posting content. However, with my graduation year coming to a close and certain things changing in my life, I feel like now is as good as time as any to let some thoughts spill out onto my keyboard and onto this blog post.
Recently, I've been experiencing various highs and lows; riding a rollercoaster that always keeps you guessing and never seemingly comfortable. As much as I'd like to say I grew from these things, truth be told, I really haven't. At least not yet. From random sicknesses that confined me to my bed, suffering extreme night terrors to spending late nights with friends whom I love and passing out on the couch in Zone Bowling. It's been such a filling, hectic few months that I've gotten away from myself and the dreams that I have. Putting them on stall until a time when someone asks me, "So, do you still write on your blog?, and "How often do you write?" Questions that I am too afraid to answer honestly, leading to a sly reply of, "I try to write as much I can when I'm free!" When honestly it has been so difficult to open up my blog, write in my journal or read a book because of my fear of inadequacy.
This fear of not being enough isn't strictly confined to my passions either. It's also a fear of not being the friend I know I should be or the son my parents want me to be. It comes to a point where, every action, every word and everything I do holds some sort of significant weight that could potentially make those around me happy or something far more common recently, disappointed.
All the days after school spent, scrolling through social media or watching meaningless youtube videos, blatantly ignoring the quiz I have the next day or the essay I have to write by the day after. This feeling of comfort and sense of invincibility, the mindset of, "I can flip a switch when I want to and everything will turn out just fine!" A mirage that conveys an oasis of false confidence and fake humility. This, is what I have struggled with the most this year; a lack of improvement.
Until a few days ago as I was studying with a friend of mine and eating Korean noodles, I received an email, "Congratulations on your offer of admission to UBC!"
"Wait wait wait...yoooo wait... what...HOW...omy...HUH"
Something along the line of the words that I exclaimed out loud when I saw it, and found myself dumbfounded at what I had just seen.
And no. I'm not writing this blog to brag or boast about how I got into the University Of British Columbia because honestly, I never really expected myself to go even if I did get accepted. It was simply a way to potentially make me feel better amidst an already stressful school year. I thought of myself as someone far too simple and stoic to go to such a sophisticated, prestigious institution. But I shot my shot and somehow, someway, it found its way to the bottom of the net.
This whole year, I have been facing my fear of the future and the inevitable transition into the next phase of my life. And although this anxiety has had a grip on me for a while, I'm starting to believe that in this month of May, as I write my final essays, final projects and attend my final days at Holy Cross, everything will turn out just as He planned it to be. Just like I entered this school with no close friends, coming from T.E Scott Elementary and a different background than most. I have had my fair share of success and happiness the last 5 years. With this success came hardship and with this happiness came suffering, but that's what made it all worthwhile. For even though these last few months have been escapades from my writing and taking vacations from my passion, I am still here sharing with you this piece of my life. I realize that I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and I will not be the same person 5 years from now. Slowly but surely understanding that nothing lasts forever and in the words of Tony Stark, "part of the journey is the end."
Endings plant seeds for new beginnings, blossoming into new opportunities and bearing fruits of personal, spiritual and emotional growth.
Here's to leaving behind my fear of inadequacy and judgement,
and here's to running towards authentic love and the authentic me who I see in the distance.
Here's to leaving behind running away from my passion,
and here's to running towards progress and growth even if it brings suffering.
Here's to leaving the doubts, worries and fears of tomorrow to the One who holds it in His hands
and here's to fully trusting in the plan that has been made for me by Him.
Here's to leaving behind the past and running towards the future with a present, grateful heart.
and here's to the One who holds me in His hand and will not let me falter.
AMDG
Recently, I've been experiencing various highs and lows; riding a rollercoaster that always keeps you guessing and never seemingly comfortable. As much as I'd like to say I grew from these things, truth be told, I really haven't. At least not yet. From random sicknesses that confined me to my bed, suffering extreme night terrors to spending late nights with friends whom I love and passing out on the couch in Zone Bowling. It's been such a filling, hectic few months that I've gotten away from myself and the dreams that I have. Putting them on stall until a time when someone asks me, "So, do you still write on your blog?, and "How often do you write?" Questions that I am too afraid to answer honestly, leading to a sly reply of, "I try to write as much I can when I'm free!" When honestly it has been so difficult to open up my blog, write in my journal or read a book because of my fear of inadequacy.
This fear of not being enough isn't strictly confined to my passions either. It's also a fear of not being the friend I know I should be or the son my parents want me to be. It comes to a point where, every action, every word and everything I do holds some sort of significant weight that could potentially make those around me happy or something far more common recently, disappointed.
All the days after school spent, scrolling through social media or watching meaningless youtube videos, blatantly ignoring the quiz I have the next day or the essay I have to write by the day after. This feeling of comfort and sense of invincibility, the mindset of, "I can flip a switch when I want to and everything will turn out just fine!" A mirage that conveys an oasis of false confidence and fake humility. This, is what I have struggled with the most this year; a lack of improvement.
Until a few days ago as I was studying with a friend of mine and eating Korean noodles, I received an email, "Congratulations on your offer of admission to UBC!"
"Wait wait wait...yoooo wait... what...HOW...omy...HUH"
Something along the line of the words that I exclaimed out loud when I saw it, and found myself dumbfounded at what I had just seen.
And no. I'm not writing this blog to brag or boast about how I got into the University Of British Columbia because honestly, I never really expected myself to go even if I did get accepted. It was simply a way to potentially make me feel better amidst an already stressful school year. I thought of myself as someone far too simple and stoic to go to such a sophisticated, prestigious institution. But I shot my shot and somehow, someway, it found its way to the bottom of the net.
Endings plant seeds for new beginnings, blossoming into new opportunities and bearing fruits of personal, spiritual and emotional growth.
Here's to leaving behind my fear of inadequacy and judgement,
and here's to running towards authentic love and the authentic me who I see in the distance.
Here's to leaving behind running away from my passion,
and here's to running towards progress and growth even if it brings suffering.
Here's to leaving the doubts, worries and fears of tomorrow to the One who holds it in His hands
and here's to fully trusting in the plan that has been made for me by Him.
Here's to leaving behind the past and running towards the future with a present, grateful heart.
and here's to the One who holds me in His hand and will not let me falter.
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